[Ezra/Victor] - Atonement

[pulledunder]

Who: Victor and Spezra
When: Sunday 6/26 (this whole day took us a while sorry)
Where: Swamp by Omghan
Before/After: After Victor speaks to Ravi
Warnings: CHARACTER DEATH no not really.

In which there is some hope, but the burden is still heavy.



Omghan was a quiet place, and even more so with the paladins gone. There weren't many monsters roaming it, and though a peryton was hardly a threatening creature, seeing its silhouette circle the sky before swooping in to land was a noticeable sight. Victor wasn't thinking much of it at the time. As far as he knew, there wasn't anyone who might have been keeping an eye out for that kind of thing, or anyone who could have possibly linked the sight to Victor Bristol.

He greeted the peryton with a hand to the snout and was in a good enough mood to let it nose around looking for treats. "I don't have anything you want," he said. "I told you last time." When it didn't give up, Victor pulled one of the potions Ash had given him from his bag and uncorked it. "This is it. I mean it."

A curious tongue barely glanced over the surface of liquid. The peryton snorted and stomped back, shaking its head and sneezing to get the taste out of its mouth.

"There, see?" He'd have to remember not to lend that potion to anyone else.

Offended now, the peryton refused to lower its wings. Victor sighed and tried to coax it out of its bad mood by stroking its neck. There wasn't as much of a need to rush, but Victor was eager to get going.



"Smarter than it looks. Or maybe I'm just lucky."

The noise the peryton had been making and the focus Victor had put on it, assuming themselves to be alone, had let Ezra approach without being noticed. Rhys had said he was still not fully recovered. Was he even a hunter still? Did guild ties keep after death? He'd also been worried he wouldn't recognize was a peryton was, but the moment he'd seen it circling in the sky, he'd dismissed that fear.

Arriving in Omghan hadn't been an issue at all. He'd gone relatively unnoticed there, too. The warp mage gave him a nod and wouldn't notice if he went into the town or if he left it to go into the forest. The town was never busy, even with the leftover paladins bolstering its population. He'd probably do some work once this was over, depending on how it went.

He didn't have his platemail on, wore instead the militaristic uniform adopted by many off-duty paladins, but a new sword hung at his hip. He still regretted the loss of the old one- some tangible connection to the old Spenta, as though it might have lent him some guidance, some strength, though in the losing of it he realized how foolish that was. He couldn't rely on the help of dead people.

Newly resurrected ones, though...

"I just saw Savarna pass by. Didn't see me though, I hope. Don't think either one of us wants this to become a three-way conversation."

He pushed off from the tree he'd been leaning on, hands in his pockets. He gave a glance to the peryton. "Sorry."


Victor's hand went still at the voice and he glanced over in surprise. He didn't recognize the voice, but once he saw the face, he froze, taking it in with disbelief. They had met in Bastan's dungeons. Victor knew who was addressing him now.

But why was he here?

The peryton shied back from the presence of a stranger. Without taking his eyes from the Spenta, Victor motioned into the woods, and the beast fled without him. He wanted it clear that there was no threat he would run away. He was stunned to silence a few moments more, then remembered himself and lowered into a kneel.

"I meant to find you."



"I could say the same. I think it's a good thing your mount was there. I actually wouldn't have recognized you."

There was an intense discomfort in being kneeled in front of. Did he even look the part? He couldn't tell. He looked in the mirror and saw himself, a little shiftier, a little more gaunt, but unmistakably himself. And himself felt miserably inadequate.

"I'd much prefer it if you stood. It's difficult having a conversation when one person is on the ground." His arms folded loosely in front of him, he waited for Victor to stand again, reaching up to rub his chin while he thought.

"Tell me... what did you hope to accomplish by coming to find me?"


Victor absently brushed at his bangs, having forgotten he looked so different. The Spenta knew who he was, regardless. He rose to his feet, slow in part to keep his vision steady, and in part to avoid any threatening movements. But the Spenta didn't seem concerned about that, either.

There hadn't been a lot of time since his conversation with Ravi to mentally prepare himself. Perhaps an extra few moments wouldn't have mattered. Victor took a deep breath, collecting his thoughts.

"You know who I am," he started. "My name is Victor Bristol. I betrayed Bastan to save my brother's life, blackmailed by an assassin cult that I've made sure no longer exists. Until now, I've escaped judgment." His eyes almost fell, but he forced himself to meet the Spenta's own. "I thought only my death could make up for what I've done, but when I died, nothing changed.

"I took six lives. Maybe it's foolish to think I can give the paladins six lifetimes worth, but I hope for the chance to try."



There was a lot Ezra didn't know. There was an odd sort of objectivity he felt with the whole situation, having only known his story in passing. Even with two characters in Bastan, six months hadn't been enough time to catch up with the storyline, and even now a lot of what he knew had come in snippets.

His explanation served to flesh it out more completely, and Ezra listened in silence, his own gaze steady. This was important, after all- it wasn't about alts anymore, or faceless people. All of it was very real and very personal to Ezra, even if he couldn't outright let it be.

He pushed his glasses up. "I do appreciate the sentiment, but your eagerness makes me wonder if you realize what could have happened if I hadn't come to meet you by myself. You would have found yourself with remarkably fewer choices, for one.

"You must know the position this puts me in- will put me in, if anyone finds out. Both with the paladins and with Rhys. And I owe a lot to both."

He looked Victor over. He looked terrible. Ezra knew the feeling, mostly. There was a tiredness he recognized. Thinking of Rayu- of Victor's- death only made him think again of all the others that had died, of all the ones that were lost, and because of him. And there was no bringing them back. There was no trying again. The idea of even one more, regardless of who it was, made his heart clench.

"So you've paid off at least one already. What do you think you can do to pay off the other five?"


"I know, and I'm sorry this falls to you." His gaze dipped again. This was more difficult with the Spenta alone where the personal factors like Rhys came more easily into play. Loyalty to friends too easily conflicted with the loyalties to duty.

He took another deep breath and let it out in a sigh, not in melancholy, but in physical exhaustion he had yet to notice as his mind reached for answer. His thoughts hadn't been given time to form into concrete plans, only into convictions.

"Perhaps they would rather see me dead," he said. "... But they're paladins still. We-- they--" It was a strange correction to have to make knowing he couldn't lie. He shouldn't have been able to say it. "Uphold justice. That's another reason why I wanted to find you... and them with you. What is just?" The question wasn't a challenge, but asked in earnest. "Death? Imprisonment? I'll accept either, if you think that pays for this.

"But," he paused, knowing this was too bold for someone in his position. Or perhaps just bold enough. It was only his life in the balance. "If you think I can accomplish more with my life, then I would swear it to you to wield as you see fit."



Ezra shook his head slightly. "I don't know. I don't know what could pay for this." He'd taken to rubbing at his wrist again, a slow movement that he didn't seem aware he was doing. "But I know that emotions can't be what decides it, and unfortunately, there are a lot of them right now."

He didn't quite sigh, but he seemed to back off a little as he thought.

"Maybe the problem right now is that we're doing the math wrong," he said, his eyes having dropped while he thought, his expression musing. "How many of us were there- Savarna, Whitehall... Gertrude... the Vahishta... me. That's five." He looked to Victor again. Alexander he left from the list- something else had gone on there, though he didn't know what. "In falling back to let us escape, and in protecting Savarna until you could reach the river, you ensured the safety of five people. So that leaves one.

"This isn't the time for me to be indulging the paladins in their cries for justice. We've lost Everea to Aerveas. We're a small guild now, and almost broken beyond recognition. Bringing you to them won't change anything. It might make some feel better for a short while, but it won't last. It can't. What's going on now goes deeper. I don't want to give them that kind of hope. It's unattainable right now. The guild needs stability. It needs a focus. you can't be it.

"So one life left. If you'll give it to me- to the Spenta, and to the paladins- we'll call the matter settled. I can't turn down any help given to me in earnest. We're too beaten down for that. I've met a traitor- let's just say you don't come off as one to me."


What Victor had done during the rescue was something any proper paladin would have done, given the chance, but maybe that was enough of a start. The Spenta was the final judge on the matter. Victor went still and silent as he listened, almost afraid to breathe.

One life left. It would take the entirety of it to repay what was owed, but better to try than waste away in the Dark, pretending that fixed everything while the guild was struggling to stay on its feet. And there was the opportunity presented to him.

Victor couldn't hide his surprise, but he suppressed it, softening his features until he could compose himself. As much as Victor labeled himself a traitor, even he had to admit that was a different level than his own. "... I should hope our similarities are few, sir," he said, then cleared his throat. "Then if you'll have it, my life and loyalty belongs to you and the guild from here."

He'd never given it before, he realized. He'd given it to Zachary, but never the guild. Not in earnest. But it wasn't obligation or guilt that made him give it now. It was what Victor wanted, and he had to betray the paladins to understand that, even without the betrayal, this was what he would have been looking for if he didn't focus on what he thought others needed from him. Maybe that diminished the sincerity, but as long as he served true, maybe it didn't matter.


He watched Victor steadily while those thoughts played out, wondering what went through his head. He thought back to his words, his story. Right. It had been for Zachary he'd done all those things, the murders, the breakout.

"What of your brother?" He asked, keeping his voice neutral. "You've seen to it he's safe from the assassins. What I ask of you may have you choosing again. Is he someone you can leave alone?" A brief pause and he continued, "is Ravindra? The less either know of you, the better."

Ravindra knew of him already. Did his brother? But if he were to be spared, made a paladin again- would it take?- that was knowledge to be kept out of their hands, if they could manage it.


Victor's face went grim, but without surprise. That had been a thought he turned over in his mind again and again. "Zachary's not so alone these days," he said, but his voice was heavy. "He's grown, and I'd like him to have a life less guided by circumstance. Primarily mine.

"And Ravindra..." Victor looked away. "Some distance is necessary. Connections to me may cause him trouble within the guild." It was bad enough the Spenta had known, but that was one of those things Victor was willing to attribute to players.

But he frowned, turning back to the Spenta. "Do you really think it best to keep it so quiet? The truth has a habit of coming out eventually... and at the worst times." Such as rescuing a pair of imprisoned guild leaders, and that was when Victor could lie.



A small consolation, what he thought of his brother. It was difficult to ask it of him- Ezra had his own siblings, after all. "Then you consider your duty to him done," he asked, not quite able to look at him as he asked.

He had to consider that question. It was valid. But he knew the reality of the situation at the moment and he shook his head slowly. "There is a small handful I could speak with on the matter that I trust." A very small handful. "But it couldn't be widespread knowledge. Not yet." He shook his head. "There may be a better time to reveal it later. My own position-"

He stopped, hesitating, before a look of frustration took over and he shook his head again, more to clear it this time than to negate anything. "A select few. Some that can keep their emotions in check. That have some influence over the others." He was muttering to himself now, pushing up his glasses again while he thought. "Cuthbert... maybe Delacroix... Whitehall would vouch for you, I'm certain..."


Victor nodded firmly. It wasn't an easy thing to say or one to hear, but all of Victor's efforts had hurt Zach as much as they had helped. Things felt in so much of a different place now. Zach could-- and needed to-- take care of himself.

Victor fell carefully quiet as the Spenta spoke, again resisting the urge to glance away. His existence was still dangerous, and that was part of what made living with it so hard. But he had to keep going. "With respect, sir, that may be best long term," he said. "But I won't advertise my service."



He looked back to Victor as he spoke again, not seeming to take any offense at being spoken to- still too much Ezra, not enough the Spenta, maybe. Maybe he didn't need to be, though... maybe it was a matter of balance, not total change...?

He nodded. "It would be best you didn't. But I would like to be kept aware of who knows of you. So I don't have to deal with too many more surprises."

Again, even though it seemed he had relaxed some, he had gone back to rubbing his wrist, rotating it absently. "All this, but you aren't a paladin again yet. Are you certain this is what you want? I have your word that I can trust you?"

Because he felt certain he wouldn't hesitate to rectify matters if he proved otherwise.


Victor looked over his hand, as if that's where some of the power would lie. "... I don't know if I can be, officially," he admitted. It was something he already lost. "But that doesn't change my loyalties. Or that I want this." He looked back up to the Spenta. "If I could make a geas, I would."

He looked to the side again, quieter. "As for who knows, there's Rhys," he said. "Ravindra. Zachary found out." There was a small wince with that he couldn't hide. That hadn't been one he meant for. "Virelai and... ah. Ashtaroth. The cleric." The last came out thickly, but Victor had chosen to trust the Spenta as much as he had been asked to be trusted. He didn't think that wrong. The Spenta was doing what he could with what he had, and with the best of intentions.

Victor would die before he proved that a mistake.



The list was longer than he'd like, but there seemed no way Virelai couldn't have found out with how close she was to Rhys. Ravindra, of course- had Victor told him himself? The cleric who had resurrected him. She'd seemed young. How had she known him? He'd only ever seen her with Rhys. And Zachary. Too many people too close to him, possibly too emotional, too unpredictable. But there was no means of changing that now. He'd simply have to work with it.

And as to whether or not it could be done... his thumb came up to knead into his palm before he let go, momentarily dropping his hand to his side before he held it out to Victor, palm up.

"Let's find out. Ah- sorry in advance for the awkwardness. I'm still new to this."


Victor looked to the Spenta's hand and hesitated. It was a judgment in his own right. He'd come this far. There was no time to let himself think about it.

He remained silent, throat suddenly dry, and placed his hand in the Spenta's.



His hand was warm- he hadn't considered himself particularly so, but holding Victor's hand in his proved otherwise. Not icy, certainly, but not warm either, and he had the sudden, simple urge to try and rub some warmth back into them.

But Ezra's grip remained firm, already well calloused from his previous work on Earth, adjusting well to swordplay and paperwork here in Zenderael. He'd given the guild's blessing before, multiple times, in more ceremonial settings. None of it was important, of course- intent was what he sought. Not that he could know, or read minds, but the willingness of the participant combined with the Spenta's power usually saw to the binding of a person to the guild. But this was a strange circumstance. Could a person bind themselves again? How would he know?

Victor would be more familiar with the sensation than Ezra. Or maybe not- maybe how it felt changed with every Spenta. It was a strength and a stubbornness, a warmth, a wall, lacking perhaps the severity of the previous Spenta but none of the dogged determination. All of it sought to imbue itself within Victor, resulting in the warm glowing core Ezra had noticed first when he had become Spenta. A small pool of mana where holy magic could be drawn from, to harm or to heal, but ultimately, to serve and to protect.

"...And now we wait for the holy lightening to strike us down, or assume that worked."


At first Victor thought it might hurt. Maybe not with something as showy as holy lightning, but a violent incompatibility that would twist him from the inside. He remembered losing it more than he remembered gaining it the first time. Everything had gone heavy and repulsive, and he had been sick long after the battle. In some ways, that sickness never left him. He learned to live with it, and his hunter's sight served as a small bandage.

That was fading now, at first with a terrifying sense of blindness until Victor remembered that it had been there. His awareness of the forest was gone, and so was his ability to hide within in, or to ask for it to give him strength where he had none left. A warmth swelled in its place, replacing the need for any of it. Everything lightened, both in weight and in brightness.

He pulled away from Ezra to catch himself on a nearby tree, everything dizzy from the warmth and what it meant. Briefly, he considered it was only the Spenta's influence, and that nothing had-- could have-- taken at all. The memories of his abilities were still there, but had grown imprecise. Something small. Simple. He clenched his fingers slowly into a fist, squeezing rays out of the air that coalesced into a buckler of light on his arm.

Victor stared at it until the mana given to it dwindled away and faded. He fell back against the tree, hand at his head to steady it. His breathing came slow and broke with a laugh that was halted by the growing lump in his throat as soon as it started. Victor squeezed his eyes shut, but it wasn't enough to keep a few tears from falling.



He let go easily enough- touching, particularly when he was sober and aware, was still difficult to handle. His hand fell to his side again, fingers rubbing into his palm, watching as he fell back to take in what had just happened.

He couldn't imagine what it was like, couldn't even begin to think of all of the things that might have been going through Victor's mind once that small shield appeared. He settled one hand on the hilt of his sword with only the intention of having someplace for it to rest, waiting as patiently as he could for Victor to sort himself out.

The laugh didn't quite startle him, but it did catch him off guard. A moment passed, and when he spoke, it lacked the earlier formality and neutrality, a kind of relief and gentleness taking its place.

"For now, all I want from you is to return to the Undertow with Rhys and do what you can to complete your recovery. I have some ideas for what you can do, but that is my recommendation for now."


Breathe. For a moment, it was all he could do. Victor brought his hand down over his face, wiping the tears away as discreetly as possible, even if it was too late for that, before he straightened to look to the Spenta.

"Yes sir," he said, this time without hesitation straining his words. He felt like he could have done anything the Spenta asked right now, but everything was too overwhelming to think straight, and enough of the Spenta's time had been stolen.

"... Thank you." Victor bowed his head, still bewildered. "Just-- I. ... Thank you."



For whatever it was worth, Ezra looked away as he pulled himself together again, idly wondering if the peryton would come back of its own accord, wait 'til called, or neither until he left. More sensing him straightening than seeing him straighten out of the corner of his eye, he looked back and met Victor's eye, nodding once firmly in confirmation. Go back and rest. More would come after that.

The thanks left him momentarily silenced and he struggled to find words to answer it. "...it's been your own actions that have seen this possible. The truth as we know it is rarely the reality of a situation. It just so happens few think to question it."

He shifted to turn away, but continued to look at Victor. "...keep as silent as you can on this matter. Especially to those like Savarna. He has... enough of his own trouble to worry about. I'll hope you don't need to go to the Nenakret anytime soon, but watch yourself there. We've given our help to the Mazda and clerics and paladins alike will be aiding in patrols."


The statement on truth gave Victor pause. If he couldn't lie, then what he said must have been true except that so much had already been proven false. He looked away. It was something to think about.

"I'll keep to the Undertow until you send for me," he promised. Silence he could promise, and it seemed to get Rhys far enough. Another pause. "... May I let Savarna know I'm alive?"

It seemed cruel not to, but Victor knew he couldn't fully understand the position he was putting the Spenta in.



He paused to consider this. "...that much you may." Having no idea of Victor's handicap, he couldn't imagine how hard it would be to keep the unspoken part of that promise. "I want him as much out of your business as possible. That he has evaded discovery for knowing you for so long already..."

Of course, that was partly a matter of players, though even without and their relations continued, he found himself amazed at Ravindra's strange sort of luck. Ezra shook his head a little.

"Is there anything you would ask of me? ...Bristol."


Victor nodded and fell quiet for the answer. Though he couldn't think of false replacements for what was true, Victor wasn't feeling the unease about secrecy as he perhaps should have. It was easy to see information could be dangerous, but lies were, too, and it was no lie to refuse to give what Victor promised to keep. He could trust Ravi would respect his boundaries without needing dishonesty to cover it.

"... Yes," he said. "The cleric. I don't want harm to come to her for what she's done." He wasn't entirely certain what Ash did was considered unlawful by the clerics, but it was enough to be marked by. She had tied herself to him. All of his actions from here would reflect back to her.



Ezra reached up to rub at his chin again, looking down as he thought on that. It might certainly reflect poorly on her, might ostracize her, if it were discovered what she had done. Young... but competent, if she had been the Ahura's healer. If she had been able to resurrect.

"...what do you say of her abilities?" he ventured, looking back up to Victor thoughtfully.


Victor wondered where this might be going. "Her power is great," he said, knowing that much was obvious, "But not tempered by experience. She knows how to keep calm in a crisis, and she's dedicated to her work. Maybe a little too much... She's a bit stubborn, and doesn't like giving up." But he was smiling softly as he said it.


"Do you trust her?" He asked next, watching him steadily. What she could do was important- but what Victor would let her do, moreso.


Victor blinked back at the question. "Yes," he said, tone a little surprised. Given a job, Victor couldn't imagine her giving half effort, but there was a little bit more to it than that.


"Then perhaps she might be of use as well. We'll discuss it later."

A cleric of some skill and clear dedication, also in a precarious position, but trusted... he hummed, nodding to himself momentarily. Yes, if he had to speak to Cuthbert of this anyway, perhaps a plan could be made...

"Her secret is safe with me. I've no interest in exposing her." He looked at Victor hard. "...I think that's enough. I may not have time to visit the Undertow anytime soon, but mail should suffice." He glanced behind them. "...anymore time is time wasted. I'm heading back. You ought to do likewise. And carefully- your mount is obvious, but these people aren't especially curious. That'll last only so long."


Of use. Victor tensed, but nodded, relaxing again when the Spenta promised that safety. Neither he nor Ash were in a good position to be making requests, but the less people paid for his mistakes, the better. Each one it affected, save the Spenta, had asked for him to live. He had to trust they understood it, but he was still something to hide, and someone to keep quiet about. That was part of the consequence, part of the punishment. He wondered if it would ever fade.

"Yes sir," he said again. "... Have a safe journey back. I'll be ready for you when you contact me."


Ezra nodded once sharply. "Take care of yourself, and continue to stay low. Keep me updated on anything that changes about your situation."

With that, hand on the hilt of his sword, Ezra turned without another word and left.


Victor took a deep breath as he watched the Spenta go. It had been some time since he had to answer to anyone.

He looked to his own hand again, letting light play there. It only lasted a moment before a pinch in his skull warned him to stop. Maybe he should have taken on of the mana potions Ash had given him, but it seemed a waste without an emergency... He shook his head and turned to the forest. It was time to see if his old mount was still willing to give him a ride back.