[Akhilendra/Alex] - in which awful people are awful to each other

[paladont]

Who:
Akhilendra
Alexander
When: Thursday, 6/16
Where: Alex's house, Stonecaster
Before/After: After Akhi/Vati
Warnings: Manipulation, physical violence, discussion of consent issues. IF YOU HAVE ANY CONSENT RELATED TRIGGERS YOU SHOULD PROBABLY NOT READ THIS.



Between morning and nightfall, Alex had risen from his position on the couch a grand total of three times that day. Two of them had been to piss. One had been to eat, except he realized, with the jerky in his hand, that he hadn't an appetite after all. At present he was in a very light slumber, his surroundings coming in through several layers of white noise. There wasn't much to penetrate those layers; the birds, Pendleton and the sole duck since Tuesday, settled into silence as soon as the sun disappeared beneath the horizon. The residents of Stonecaster weren't far behind, settling into their homes for the night. The occasional breeze swept through the trees.

He was depressed.


By evening, Akhilendra had things mostly figured out. Despite Iravati's interruption, he had a letter for Ravindra, tucked away in his pocket right now, just in case. He could put into words how he felt about the matter. And, most importantly, he was angry enough to confront Alex and had the leeway to leave town for a couple hours to do so.

Fuck Alex's depression. Akhi threw the door open and cut right through the white noise with the sound of his entry. He reeled as the wards hit him, but it was to the door's benefit--he didn't slam it shut as hard as he meant to.

Reilanin really wasn't here. Good.

He stuffed Ravindra's key back into his pocket (thank you Ravi for keeping that on you), and faced Alex. "We need to talk." If the way he'd entered hadn't been enough to clue Alex in, that tone was plenty angry.


He frowned at the angry steps, then visibly started at Akhi's entrance, eyes flashing open as he bolted into an upright position. As soon as he saw who it was, Alex shrunk back into the seat, insides twisting.

He didn't say anything.


"Everything you did with him was for me, huh?" he said, unbuckling his sword--the one Alex had given him--to set it beside the door. He looked away from Alex only long enough to accomplish that, and then turned sharply back to him. "Did you ever think about how I'd feel when I found out about all the things you were doing 'for my sake'?"


He very much wanted to roll over, turn his back on Akhi, and pretend this was not happening. Instead, he just looked away, casting a dismal glare at the kitchen.


"Fine," he said sharply, spreading his hands and then bringing them back to fold his arms. "We won't talk. I'll just go, and you can keep on ignoring my inconvenient feelings as long as you like."


Lips pursed, he turned the glare on Akhi, but continued to say nothing.


"Alright," he said, with a sort of finality to it. He picked up his sword. "That's it, then. I hope you have a wonderful life with Ravindra and Reilanin."

He turned and left.

He expected Alex not to let him get too far.


He hadn't even the presence of mind to agree, that he did hope he would have a wonderful life with Ravindra and Reilanin. Alex simply continued to glare, first at Akhi's back, then at the door.

Let Akhi go. Maybe that was for the best. Maybe. He'd waited so long, but maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe this was Xumurdad dangling a carrot in front of him and then yanking it away because he hadn't moved quick enough.

Alex rolled over.

The latch on the fence closed.

He rolled out of the couch and walked to the door, opening it and stepping outside. Barefoot, he walked over the stone path, unlatched the fence, and caught up to Akhi easily and without rush, for his strides were naturally longer than Akhi's.

He grabbed Akhi's hand and started back to the house.


Akhi fully intended to walk all the way to the warp mage and back to Omghan if Alex let him. He didn't really want to sever their ties, but he was committed to making it seem authentic. This kind of manipulation didn't work if you didn't follow through.

If Alex didn't stop him, he'd wait. Eventually it would sink in that Akhi had meant it and Alex would come find him. If that took days, weeks, months even, Akhi didn't care. He'd wait. However long it took for the guilt to eat at Alex, to wear him down enough to seek Akhi out.

It wasn't that long, as it turned out. He hadn't even made it to the edge of the fence yet.

For as dedicated as he was to the illusion of finality, once its purpose was served he offered no resistance. He didn't even say a word as he allowed Alex to lead him back to the house.


"Why did you ask?" he sighed, once the door was shut behind him.


"The better question is," he responded, setting his sword in the corner again, "why didn't you tell me?"


He closed his eyes. "Because... Because of this."


He folded his arms, facing Alex. "So, what, your plan was to just keep doing this and hope I never found out? Forever?"


He'd no desire to see Akhi, so he kept his head down and his eyes shut. "Until you were separate."


Until they were separate. Separate wasn't going to happen if they were the same soul with compartmentalized memories creating different personalities, was it? No, one of them was going to be gotten rid of. That was the only way for this to end. One of their personalities had to be erased, and Akhi was determined it wasn't going to be him.

The idealism from Alex made Akhi narrow his eyes, corner of his mouth twisting in disapproval. It was a subtle look, but most of Akhi's looks were subtle. Alex probably didn't think anything of his own phrasing, but it indicated he wanted to keep Ravindra around.

"And then you'd tell me?" he questioned. "Once we were separate, you were going to admit to me that you'd been fucking my body when I wasn't there?"


"I was never going to tell you!" he shouted, his sudden burst of anger accompanied by his fists pounding backwards into the door. "It's not only your body!"


He expected an outburst in a conversation like this. He didn't react to the fists slamming against the door, not even a brief startled flinch. He stood, perfectly still, perfectly cold, staring back at Alex.

Never. So he would've just done it forever, because they were never getting separated, and just hoped Akhi didn't find out.

"But it is mine," he said. "Even if it's shared."


He felt exhausted as soon as his outburst had finished, his insides still tight, still uncomfortable, but Akhi's words fanned his anger again.

"It's shared," he said icily, "so I have to accommodate the other person you share it with."


You don't, he wanted to shout. You don't need to accommodate Ravindra at all, you've just convinced yourself you do.

But rather than say that, he looked Alex in the eye and shot back a question. "Would you fuck me?"


Akhi was correct. Alex didn't need to accommodate Ravindra, but he had convinced himself that this was the only way to keep him close.

The question threw him completely off-guard. Alex grimaced, brows pinched together as he stared incredulously at Akhi.


"Would you?" he repeated, more harshly. One arm came unfolded to tap his hand against his chest as he leaned forward, looking up at Alex. "Would you fuck me, knowing I didn't want it and wouldn't enjoy it? Could you do that?"


"No! Fuck you, I'm not a rapist," he spat, throwing his arm out at Akhi not so much to strike him but to force some distance between them.


"Then why," he shouted back, "would you fuck me when I'm Ravindra without asking me if I'm okay with it first?"


"Because I know you're not okay with it!" he yelled, hands lifted halfway. He seemed ready to explode. "You were never supposed to know! Vin knows! He knows what I am, he knows who I work for, he knows everything. This is all I can give him!"


"Why do you think I'm not okay with it!" His voice rose to match Alex's. "I don't care about Ravindra, I don't care how close you want to keep him--do you really think I wouldn't come find you regardless of wherever he was?"


"I do!" he said louder, shouting over Akhi's voice before he could finish his question. "I care, all right?"


Oh. Oh, the stinkeye he gave Alex for that interruption. Now Akhi had to worry about Ravi usurping his place with Alex too? He couldn't just get rid of Ravi that easily! He couldn't touch Ravi without hurting himself. Fuck Alex and his emotional attachments!

"Fine!" And then, less heated, more calculated, "Fine." He straightened, dropping his arms to his sides. "You want to keep him? You think sex is the only way to? Then I want you to think about me every time you're with him. I want you to look at him and know I'm there, unconscious, and whatever you're doing to him, you're doing to me, except I didn't give you permission."


Disgusted and furious, Alex threw a punch right into Akhi's jaw. "Fuck you! It's not you, it's not you!"


Akhi wasn't expecting the punch. Intentionally trying to piss Alex off was always playing with fire etc etc. He staggered under the force of the blow, one hand coming up to his jaw. He channeled a light heal to undo whatever damage Alex had caused, backing away, putting himself outside of lunging range.

"Keep telling yourself that," he said coldly. "Because you're not a rapist, right?"

Oh, he was definitely getting punched again for that. He braced himself this time.


Akhi might have backed away, but Alex lunged anyway, erupting into a flurry of violent rage. His first punch missed, but his second didn't; he felt no satisfaction in his knuckles connecting with Akhi's gut.

He wasn't done, either. He threw the side of his arm up against Akhi's face. Chances were good he'd break his nose. Still, he didn't relent. He slammed his open palm against Akhi's chest with enough force to knock him down.

"What about me is so disgusting to you," he started, advancing on Akhi, for he certainly hadn't worked out even half of his fury on him yet, "that you would equate Vin and I fucking as me raping you?"


He expected it this time, and threw his arms up in front of his face to guard himself as Alex lunged. It saved him from the broken nose, but not the rest. He doubled over at the hit to the stomach, and the blow to his chest knocked him off balance and he couldn't recover. He hit the ground hard, arms coming away from his face to catch himself as he fell.

He stayed sprawled there a moment, breathing hard, wincing against the pain. Why was he trying to piss Alex off again? Fuck this hurt. "That's not the problem, you fucking narcissist." He was in too much pain to be properly forceful about it.


"The problem is you share a body with him." He stopped in front of Akhi, glaring down at him before reaching down to grab him by the front of his shirt. "I learned how to separate the two of you a long time ago. I suggest you do the same."


He didn't resist. He went limp instead, glaring up at Alex. "Yes, I share a body with him. It's shared. He doesn't own it." I own it. "If I don't heal myself tonight, and he wakes up with the damage you did to me, do you think he's going to say 'it's okay, Alex did it to Akhi, not to me'?"


Alex faltered. He faltered because he saw the logic Akhi was trying to explain to him.

But if he faltered, that meant acknowledging Akhi had a point. That Akhi was correct. That he was a...

The process of thought was visible enough on his face. Alex lowered Akhi to the ground, then turned his back on him and fell into a crouch, burying his face against his thighs with a low wail. Now he was this. Now he was this, too...


He watched the gears turning in Alex's head, the stages his expression went through. He kept his own expression schooled into a cold glare, but he was grimly satisfied that he'd gotten through and that it upset Alex to know he had a point.

He didn't pick himself up right away, staring at the ceiling for a moment instead as he adjusted to the pain. When he finally did right himself, dragging himself up to a sitting position, it was not without a pained grunt or two. He paused to channel a mid-level heal, fixing what would have become nasty bruises before they had time to form.

Pain chased off by holy magic, he watched Alex be distraught for a while before moving forward to sit beside him. He didn't touch him, because he thought, in this context, it would be even more upsetting.

Did Alex hate himself now? Good. That was what he deserved.

Ah, Akhi didn't really think this was anything as serious as rape. It was upsetting and he felt violated when he thought about it, but Alex had consent--it just wasn't his. Most of his anger came from the fact that Alex hadn't told him and then had tried to play it off as something he'd done for Akhi's sake, when if he'd really been considering Akhi, he would have made sure it was okay with him first.

And the fact that he knew Akhi wouldn't be okay with it meant that he knew he was doing something wrong. Now he was realizing what that something was, and that was vindicating to watch.

He could only let Alex sit with that for so long if he wanted to fix this, though. "Ah, Alex, I don't really think you're a rapist. I think you just got too good at separating our minds that you ignored we shared a body." His voice was gentle, compassionate--even if some of that was faked. He reached over, softly stroking Alex's hair like he was a dog, or a small child. Long, too long, he needed to cut this. "You should have asked me, instead of hiding it from me. That's all."


There was no audible response. His ability to think had been overrun with pure repulsion. Alex didn't want to be touched. The stroking felt like electric currents riding down his hair and antagonizing his scalp, petty but numerous. It was maddening. He didn't want to swat Akhi's hand away, he wanted him to stop without any input on his part. Didn't think he was a rapist. That was nice. It would be nice if he wasn't. He wanted to believe it, but he had already begun to consider himself having sunk that low.

He was exhausted in a way his previous fights with Akhi exhausted him, but he felt more drained than their usual. It was present, of course, that feeling of dull aimlessness, easily led, giving in just to avoid further conflict. Self-loathing compounded it, so strong, or so demanding of his attention, that his loathing of Duncan took backseat to it.

Unable to take any more of Akhi's hand on his head, Alex shoved himself away and rose to his feet. It was a reaction, not a planned action, so once the stroking had ceased, he simply stood there, not knowing, and not feeling like he ought to do something else.


He drew his hand back when Alex pulled away, letting it hover in the air while he waited for Alex to settle. When all he did was stand there in silence, Akhi lowered his hand to his lap.

It was also satisfying to get that kind of reaction out of him. It was guilt, he was certain. Any revulsion on Alex's part was directed at himself. Akhi was content to sit there and revel in how deeply he'd affected Alex for a very long, very silent moment.

"Go sit down," he said suddenly, his voice still gentle, as he pushed himself to his feet. He'd go make some tea, give them both a moment to gather their wits, give himself time to think of some way to solve this whole problem.


Sit down and what? Sit down and what? It was suddenly very imperative that Alex know what came after sitting down, but its significance was trumped by his unwillingness to speak.

After a brief moment of hesitation, he returned to the couch. He took a seat on the side furthest away from the kitchen, and stared blankly at the items Reilanin had sent him resting on the coffee table. The flowers on the twig and the maple leaf were in a mug -- a mug that Reilanin had picked -- full of water, but they were already beginning to wither. He wished now, more than ever it felt, for her return.

He picked up the stuffed toy in the shape of a dog and held it in his lap. Having to know what came after sitting down was no longer a priority. He had stopped thinking.


He went to fix tea and decided halfway through getting the kettle onto the stove that he didn't really want tea and he didn't think it'd help Alex either. He went through with fixing it, though, because it was an excuse to spend some time with his thoughts. While the water boiled, though, he rummaged through Alex's cabinets for something more appropriate to the situation.

The situation being one of those things that was so fucked up all you could really do was try to forget about it to the best of your ability.

When he returned, it was with tea, a bottle of whiskey, and a really awful plan that was going to fix everything. He set the tea tray on the coffee table, taking his cup and moving Alex's in front of him, pouring tea for both of them. He took a seat on the couch, leaving enough space between them to fit another person.

"Drink," he said, and he probably didn't mean the tea. "Let me know when you're ready to talk."


Something like bile crept up his throat at the sensation of another sitting on the couch. The distance didn't matter. Alex swallowed, looking at the tea. It, like everything else on the coffee table, reminded him of Reilanin. His eyes fell on the bottle of whiskey. After a moment, he reached out to take it, popping the cork and letting it fall wherever it might.

The bottle was relatively new. That wouldn't deter him from finishing it.

He drank without zeal. He didn't even drink much. The whiskey burned his throat, and the act of swallowing liquid greater than his own saliva felt too much of an effort. He set the bottle on his lap beside the toy dog, looking at the corner of the bookshelf to his right. Eventually, he picked the bottle up again, drank a little, then set it back on his lap. There was no indication that he wouldn't be doing this until the whiskey was gone. There was no indication that he was anywhere near ready to talk, either.


Akhilendra waited. He drank his tea, and once that was gone, he held a hand out for the bottle. He poured it into his empty cup so he wouldn't need to take it again for a while, and sipped at it while he continued to wait.

This was going to be difficult for both of them. But it was a brilliant plan, he thought.


It must have been twenty, thirty minutes of silence before Alex finally spoke.

"What should I do?"

Quiet, toneless. Not worth waiting twenty to thirty minutes for, certainly.

He'd knocked two inches off the original meniscus of the alcohol. If nothing else, his insides were warm.


Maybe it wasn't worth waiting for, but Akhi had said he'd wait. He was used to long silences between him and Alex. Maybe not ones as tense as this, but they'd lived together comfortably for fifteen years. It was easy to be by themselves in one another's space. Since he'd decided to wait however long it took for Alex to speak up, it was easy to be patient.

"It's no good worrying about fixing what's already been done," he said, his tone fairly neutral, as he set his cup down on the coffee table. "What I can do is give you permission. Retroactively, too, if you need to hear it." For his peace of mind.

He didn't plan on making that easy, though.


His eyes, which had been closed, did not open, and his head remained lowered, still tilted away from Akhi. Permission. Was he supposed to be happy to hear it? Logic said yes, as the dispute had arisen because he'd failed to obtain it previously, but Alex didn't feel pleased. Permission. He felt like a delinquent, a child who needed permission.

Duncan. Duncan.

He lifted the bottle to his lips and drank, then set it back down in his lap. On some level, Akhi's neutrality struck him as out of place. But it was a very distant level; he didn't think hard on it.


"But I have one condition for giving it," he said, looking askance at Alex, eyeing his reaction.


There was no visible reaction, nor was there much of a mental or emotional one.


He picked up his cup again, turning it in his hands until his fingers slid through the handle. It seemed like such a perfect idea while he'd been thinking about it, but having to actually say it, he suddenly felt nervous.

"You can do whatever you want with Ravindra while he's in control," he said, looking down at the low water-level of the whiskey in his cup. "But only if you're also willing to do it while I'm in control." He raised it to his mouth, taking a sip, lowered it to his lap again. "And I expect you to prove it."

Neither of them would be comfortable with that. That was the point. He wanted Alex to stop being comfortable with Ravi by taking away his ability to compartmentalize and separate them. If he enjoyed sleeping with Ravi, he wasn't going to anymore.

It was much more devious than simply refusing to allow it at all. This gave an illusion of agreement, while actually being a passive method of utterly ruining things for Alex and Ravi's relationship.

He could put up with sex he didn't really want to have to accomplish that, he figured. How long could such a distasteful arrangement feasibly last?


That got a reaction. Alex tensed, opening his eyes, then he stiffened, lips parting in disbelief, teeth clenched and brows knit. He began to turn his head to look at Akhi, then turned away again, deciding against it.

"You..." If the toy dog was a living animal, the pressure with which he was squeezing it would be enough to crush it. The bottle fared the same. "You want us to fuck?"

It almost sounded like he was ready to cry.


"Not really," he admitted. He drained the cup, set it back on the table. "But how can you do it with him if you're not willing to do it with me? It's my body, too."


Akhi's answer just confused him even more.

"Why?"


"Because otherwise you're just fucking me while I'm not conscious for it." Harsh phrasing, and it ignored the fact that Ravi was conscious for it. That was intentional. "If you prove you can do it while I'm in control, then I'll accept you doing it while Ravindra's in control."


It was harsh phrasing. Alex's eyes narrowed dismally at the edge of the armrest. That didn't answer his question, either.

"You don't want us to, but you want us to." The confusion was evident in his voice.


"I don't want us to," he agreed, and then corrected, "but I need us to."

He had his head down, eyes on the table, but he glanced toward Alex now without raising his head. "You don't have to, of course. If you can't do it with me, just stop doing it with him."


"I don't understand."

What did it prove if Alex was willing to be intimate with Akhi? His face contorted. "Do you think I fuck him because..."

He lost the thought. Something like frustration ate at him; he released the toy and lifted his hand to his face, rubbing his eyes. "I don't understand."


"I don't care why you fuck him," he replied. Alex wasn't gay, so he doubted it was sex for its own sake. (Unless that had somehow changed in 30 years.) Besides, Alex had already said it was to keep Ravindra close, in order to have Akhi close. "But if you're not willing to do it with me, you shouldn't be doing it with my body."


No, he still didn't understand. Sighing heavily through his nose, he drew his hand down his face, then brought it to his temple as he turned even further away from Akhi, propping his elbow on the armrest. "But you don't want us to do it. I don't. Why would you do that to yourself?"


"That's what I need to be able to let you keep doing it with Ravindra," he said, decisively. "If you don't like it, you stop. It's that simple."


It wasn't 'that simple.' Alex still didn't understand Akhi's logic. Of course he couldn't-- he couldn't do it with Akhi. There was no reason for him to-- ah, but Ravi. But Ravi.

Was Ravi worth it?

He never wanted a sexual relationship with him. He had Akhi now. He'd told Reilanin he just wanted to be friends.

Reilanin had told him to talk to Ravi. He still hadn't, not about this.

Without sex, there were no redeeming qualities in himself. Not in Ravindra's eyes, so Alex was convinced. He would lose Ravi. He had... sort of... Akhilendra. Unreliably.

"I." He sucked in an audible breath and closed his eyes. "I need to talk... with him."


"That's fine," he said. "Take your time." His condition wasn't changing, and he wasn't in a hurry to get a first session under his belt, so to speak. If Alex needed to talk to Ravi first to decide whether or not to break it off, that was fine with him.


Sleeping with Akhi. Sleeping with him. Alex had been able to sleep with Ravi by convincing himself that he wasn't Akhi. Now Akhi expected him to sleep with him, too?

He couldn't do it. He couldn't. Ravi would leave. Reilanin was 'stuck' in Earth by his own request. He wouldn't have anyone. Again.

For thirty years, he hadn't anyone with an emotional connection. He'd survived. He'd gotten into fewer complications between himself and others in those thirty fucking years than he had in this last. That was the trade-off, it seemed. Maybe it was time to go back.

He swallowed. Yes, maybe. It was nice to have had it again.


Alex didn't like it. What was he thinking? Was he already evaluating how to tell Ravindra they needed to stop? That would be the ideal outcome of this, because Akhi didn't really want to go through with it. He would if it came down to it, but it was not his optimal outcome.

Sex with Alex would be, really, just, incredibly awkward. When was the last time he'd even had sex? Fifteen years ago--or forty-five, depending on how you counted. With Ty. The only person he'd ever slept with. If he was going to break his post-widower celibacy, maybe best to do it with somebody he knew and trusted, even if there was no attraction there.

Fuck, no, now he was just trying to justify it. This wasn't about that. This was about manipulating Alex into doing what he wanted him to do, while still giving him some illusion of choice.

Maybe he should've picked something else. Oh well, too late now. He was committed.

"I'll let you think about it," he said, rising from the couch and moving to leave.


No, he certainly did not want to think about it. He lifted the bottle to his lips without answer.