Nova + Chisaki: Lost and Found

[transfer_student]

Who: Nova and Chisaki
When: Tuesday
Where: The woods near Hunters HQ
Before/After: After dragons go on strike!
Warnings: Vague references to murder



The hunters were on the defensive again. Chisaki went back to them after the stay in Mianeh -- and, she found, without dragonmail, life was lonely.

She missed people. It bothered her. She missed Alex, cracking jokes with him and sometimes even saying something more serious. She even missed Val and Reilanin, and she had barely met them, but they had been good company. She even found herself missing Glasses; she could not even write him, now. Nova, though, she missed more than she wanted to let herself admit to.

The rest of the hunters were different. They were competent, but they kept to themselves. It was hard to form bonds with a guild full of loners.

Word of a few druids in the woods east of the headquarters meant a party formed and went out. Chisaki was with them; they found no druids, but did find a few monsters that they slew. Word reached some of the local caravans about their camp, which was set up in the woods. They knew it had spread, but the leader hunter reasoned it was good if people knew the hunters were on the prowl.

Their camp was quiet, even with all of them there. Chisaki rested with her back against a tree and looked out at the well-worn trail that cut through the woods nearby, keeping an eye on those coming and going. A fire crackled to her left, which a pair of hunters were quietly tending to.

The dragons could have had the decency to give a little warning before they went on strike!

Without it, there was just about no way to find anyone and get any sort of alternate contact information unless you already knew where they were. Generally, that was more of an inconvenience than a problem. Nova knew where his friends lived. But Chisaki didn't live anywhere in particular at the moment, and the hunter's headquarters, where he though he might find her, wasn't particularly welcoming to outsiders at the moment.

His first thought was to wait -- she knew where he lived, and would probably come find him, at some point or another. That idea seemed fine, for a bit. But what if she wasn't allowed free movement because of the war? Or what if she died, and his only hint was her continued failure to appear?

That seemed dismal. He didn't feel very much like waiting after he'd thought about it that way.

He set out to look for her. He wasn't headed to the hunter's headquarters, exactly, but the closest town, figuring he might catch her resupplying or taking a break at a tavern or something. A few hours of searching turned up no Chisaki, but did produce the rumor of the hunters' camp and its location.

It seemed the best lead he was going to find -- at worst, he could ask someone to pass a message back to her.

So it happened that as Chisaki was eyeing the path, she eventually spotted Nova making his way toward the camp. He had brought along a newly purchased phone so that he could put her information in it -- assuming she had any..

It took her a moment to really process that it was Nova coming down the path. Chisaki looked up sharply enough to draw the eyes of a couple of hunters. She decided that she did not want them finding out about her friendship with Nova. It seemed that it could be information they had no business knowing.

"Gonna take a walk," she said. One of them nodded.

She started towards the trail quickly. She checked that her bow was secure over her back. There were monsters out here, after all. She climbed from the bushes onto the trail itself, standing in front of Nova abruptly. She waved a hand at him, nonchalantly, and then caught herself smiling at him regardless. "Hey."

"Chisaki!" His face broke into a relieved grin. It had been a long search! She didn't seem surprised to see him, but he thought he ought to explain his presence anyway.

"The dragons stopped working."

The surprise came after a moment, as it took her mind a moment to realize that Nova was not really supposed to be here. The explanation did suffice, though. She looked up at him, her expression turning into a frown, and she nodded at him.

"Yeah," she said. "It's been a little..." Lonely. And not just a little. But, unfortunately, Chisaki was never good at saying what she felt. "Quiet. You, um--what are you doing out here? This is pretty far from your usual haunts..."

She did not quite understand why he was here after all.

Was it strange to have come all the way out here just to find her? Well, he didn't see any reason to conceal it. It would be a little embarrassing if she thought it was excessive, but he could deal with that.

"I wanted to get your phone number, or e-mail, or... some other electronic thing." He produced the cell phone, as if showing her would help illustrate his meaning.

"Oh--oh! Yeah," Chisaki said with realization. "Yeah, of course!"

She fumbled in her pocket for a moment, before she pulled out her mobile phone. A few presses on the phone's touchscreen brought up the menu to enter new information in. She looked down at his phone, then, and back up at him. She looked at him for a questioning moment.

"Hey," she said. "Were you actually, uh, actually worried about me? Or--uh--something. You know," she added, a little more weakly.

"I guess I was," he admitted, now fairly confident she wasn't planning on laughing at him, or anything like that.


He turned his attention to his phone, though, giving her his number and asking for hers in return.

No laughing at him, nor making fun of him. She felt more confused by that. Chisaki knew that he cared a little bit, of course; Nova had demonstrated that several times. She had been the one coming to see him, though; they always met at her suggestion or by accident. She knew he cared, but never knew that he cared enough to make the effort on his own.

She was grateful that it took a few moment to exchange numbers -- and at her thought, e-mail -- because it left her a moment to work through being puzzled by it.

Finally, she grinned at him. She nudged him with an elbow. "You shouldn't have been worried about me," she said. "Remember? I kick ass." The bravado that she was used to using, though, fell away from her. "Thanks, though. That's, uh, nice of you."

"You're welcome. Have you had to kick any ass, yet?" He didn't know if the hunters had actually entered the fighting, or exactly what it would mean when they did.

"Not yet," she said. "Let's take a walk, okay? No need to have the rest of the camp listening in to a private conversation."

He glanced back at the camp, then nodded, starting down the path with her.

"Are you still allowed to come and go when you want?"

"Within reason," she said. She walked next to him, hands sliding down into her pockets. "So we can still--I mean, if you ever want to hang out or do something. I can. I just can't stay away all of the time."

Or stay away for a long time, right now.

He nodded. "How has it been?"

His guess was boring. Isn't that what they said about wars? That you mostly just waited around?

"Kinda boring," she confirmed.

She hesitated for a moment, before she looked sideways at him. "Have you ever killed anybody before?" She thought about that for a moment and realized that she might have to clarify; her player might have written it that he did, but would it count to his perception? She was not sure. "Uh, really killed someone, however you'd count that."

"I haven't," he said. He wasn't even lying, since she was asking him specifically about after he'd awakened.

Before everything changed, this might be where he'd fret about how she'd react if she knew what he was really like, and maybe even wish he could confess to her. That seemed stupid and overwrought now that he knew it was somebody's fiction. Why should he have to distance himself from anybody because of some crimes an 18 year old girl had pretended he'd committed and inadvertently put in his mind?

"Do you think the things from before count?" he asked her.

"Not really," she said. She watched both Alex and Nova trying to deal with -- and break away from -- the things in the past. When Alex asked her, she said that she would have tried to separate things in the past. "Maybe if you think they count, though."

"I like some of the things from the past better than others," he said. "But the ones I don't like. You don't think..."

He cut himself off, there. Why was he trying to confess it? It hadn't even happened! What was Chisaki even going to do with the information, in a best case scenario, except feel a little uncomfortable about it?

"Yeah, that makes sense..." Chisaki's words trailed off. He looked uncomfortable, she thought, which struck an uncomfortable chord with her. Her lips pursed for a moment.

"I don't think what?" she asked.

"You don't think they count a little?"

He frowned. Given the context she'd established, he was probably giving her some unfortunate hints.

"It wasn't real," she said. "It's got whatever importance you wanna give it."

She frowned. He was hiding something from her; was this an effort to scare her off? Did she really want the answer to this? It was too late, though, she realized. Chisaki was well past the point of no return with him. They had already worked together, fought together, and let one another in on secrets about each other. She made her mind up.

"Stop stalling," she grumbled, "and spit it out."

"It's really weird, though," he said.

Maybe he should make up a fake secret he'd been keeping, instead...

Chisaki reached to a nearby tree and snapped a twig off a branch. Then, with an adept movement of her wrist, she flicked the twig at his head. It caught neatly in his hair.

"Hurry up me or I'll turn your head into a tree." She snapped another twig off even as she spoke.

"Stop that!" He clawed the twig out of his hair, stepping back. He took a deep breath and let it out. He hoped she was serious about not caring.

"I wanted to live forever," he said. "So I came up with a way to keep my soul bound to my body if I died. And to take someone else's body as a replacement. I did that eleven times." His hands had tightened into fists at his sides. "Except I didn't at all. The potions weren't even real."

There was a flicker of doubt there. He killed people and stole their bodies in his flawed, false memories. It was incredible to hear. That uncertain look faded, though, as she reminded herself of something: he was not a monster, just made to think that he was one.

She shook her head.

"Does it--does it bug you that your player wanted you to have done that?" she asked quietly. She dropped the twig pinched between her fingers, letting it fall to the forest ground below. "Or do you miss it?"

She did seem to be regarding him differently, now -- or was he imagining it? She hadn't known what she was agreeing to overlook, though. It really could be too much.

"It wasn't something I did for fun," he said. "It was the only way I could extend my life and avoid the Dark. I never killed anyone, exactly, I just switched with them after I'd died. My player manufactured a lot of accidents..."

He hesitated. "I miss being deathless, and not having to be afraid of things. But I couldn't reclaim that by murdering people, they were only connected because of the story she invented."

"Anyone would miss it," she said. "Not being scared of death... shit, I'd like that. Don't blame you."

She shrugged her shoulders, before she looked forward again. She resumed walking, keeping her path down the trail. It was dark enough to make her enhance her vision to keep her eyes out for any sign of encroaching monsters. The hunters' camp, though, was doing a good job of warding beasts away.

"You, uh... I guess she kinda unfairly gave you a way out of dealing with mortality," she added, a little more quietly. She opened her mouth, to say more, but didn't have it. She wasn't really certain how he took that.

She didn't blame him. He smiled at her, although she was a few steps ahead and might not have seen it.

"A way out until I woke up," he said. "Now I'm stuck being like everyone else." He tried to sound like he could see the humor in that, and only half succeeded.

She wanted to say something to that, but she could see no way to do so carefully. Did she ask if he was okay after all of that? It felt too direct and too stabbing, somehow, like it would be passing judgment on him if he had not grown accustomed to it. She was facing away from him, so her frown was turned away from him, but he might have seen how she turned her head down.

"At least you're in all right company, huh?" she asked, instead.

"I can't complain," Nova said. He felt lighter, having told her and gotten away with it. Artemis and Irena were the only others who knew, besides Nix and the players she might have told.

Even if it hadn't happened, it was lonely carrying the secret around.

Chisaki looked over her shoulder and smiled at him, this time.

She looked forward again as she kept walking, until they came to one of the larger trees in the forest. If it was anything like Earth trees, she thought, this one had to be close to a century. Possibly older. She looked up at the thick branches and numerous leaves, then shook her head. "I tried practicing, you know," she said. "Killing things. To get ready."

She frowned and still avoided meeting his eyes. She looked up at the big tree, instead, pretending to be distracted by it. "I'm not sure how well it worked out for me."

"Killing things?" he echoed, a slight emphasis on the second word.

He wouldn't think killing things would be so unfamiliar to a hunter.

She did not want to tell -- did not want to risk telling -- him about Alexander's true identity. It made it harder, through, because she also did not want to lie to Nova. "Human-like monsters," she said. She felt guilty calling Alexander a monster, even obliquely. "It was..."

She looked down. "Too easy," she said. "I feel like I shouldn't have been able to go through with it. Even--even when I tried to picture people I never knew. Or tell myself that--" That he would not get back up. "Or when they fought back."

Her fingers twitched, then tensed, and then curled into fists at her side. "Someone normal, who thinks and feels right, they should be scared. Too worried it's wrong to strike the final blow." Her voice had turned hardened, almost snapping at him. It took her a moment to bring that under control. "Shouldn't they?"

He certainly didn't know the answer to that. His false murders hadn't affected him, which might make him the sort of person who wouldn't hesitate, either. His player had said that doing it for real would be different. But if you had to kill someone, or you wanted to -- wasn't it better if it wasn't difficult for you?

"I don't think it's good to hate yourself for the kind of person you are. Normal or not."

That sounded well enough -- but this was different, wasn't it? She had started out normal, and then an experience had broken who she was. When something external has ruined what you thought were, why should you have to accept what you became? He didn't.

"Do you think it's because of what happened to you here?"

Was it? Siegmund said they were changed by their experiences on Zenderael, that they would never be who they used to be, even if they somehow managed to return home.

"Yeah," Chisaki said. "Maybe. I--"

Still, part of it rang hollow. She stopped looking up at the tree, to turn around and look back at him. "I don't know, actually," she said. "I'd like to think I was changed. That means it's--you know, even if it's no one's fault but bad luck, it's not my fault, right?" She looked to the side. "But maybe it's because I'm fucked up somehow, and coming here just meant it was the right opportunity to find that out."

Ah. So Chisaki wanted it to be an intrusion.

"It could be different when it's real. You were only pretending the monsters you fought were human. Maybe that's not enough."

He was doubtful, though. Was there really some special part of your mind that would punish you if you tried to kill a person? Was it so important to have it, if there was?

"What if you are naturally fucked up? What does it mean to you?"

"I don't even know. That's the messed up part," Chisaki said. "I'd probably--I mean, I wouldn't like it." Or like herself, really, but she already sort of disliked herself. She did not trust herself, at least.

Maybe it would be different. She frowned as she thought of that. Part of her wanted to get it over with and find out. Part of her wanted it to not happen at all.

"This war crap is lame," she complained, finally.

"My advice is to ditch it," Nova said lightly, not really expecting her to take him seriously.

It was sad -- he thought he used to know about just what you were supposed to do to go on living with yourself when you had to do terrible things -- but what good was Nix's poorly reasoned wisdom going to do Chisaki? None -- it was no good to anybody, just pointless noise in his head. But he still sort of believed it, anyway. He could remember the sort of security it used to instill...

Always be your own ally. Never apologize to anyone.

Were those sorts of ideas really enough to make a person accept themself? Or just a recipe for making other people angry with you?

"I can't," she said.

Chisaki thought she needed more justification than that. "You're supposed to help your guild--at least, uh, that's what they say." Was it true? It did not seem that way; it felt like a lot of people did what they wanted anyways. She looked to the side again. "But the Mano's helped out. And, you know, I don't just wanna turn my back on them. It's a chance to have a place to go back to."

She looked back at him. "It's why you had trouble finding me, after the dragons went on strike, you know?" she asked. "I got nowhere to belong to. It's something."

Even if she doubted that they could be that place for her.

"I guess not wanting to wander around forever is something," Nova allowed, grudgingly. "But if the Mano gets you killed, the Dark isn't a very nice place to call home."

That had been a mean thing to say after she'd already claimed to have no choice, but he didn't reflect on that sufficiently before saying it to decide against it.

She tensed at that. She looked at him with a hint of irritation.

"If I get killed," she said, "it's gonna be shitty luck or me doing something reckless and stupid. The Mano can tell me to fight, but she can't get me killed." Even if she did send Chisaki to her death, she doubted that she could follow through with suicidal orders. Her loyalty did not run that deep. "So make sure you blame me if that happens."

"Then, I will."

He could blame anyone he wanted, though! He was willing to blame Chisaki, the Mano, shitty luck, who else could he blame...

"Good!" she almost snapped. She looked annoyed -- and she looked away from him again. It was getting to be too much to meet his gaze. "I'll try to keep from getting killed, though."

"That would be nice," he replied, in the same snappish tone she'd used with him.

How long was this stupid war going to last, anyhow...

Damn it, Chisaki thought. She did not want to be fighting with Nova like this. Especially on the subject of her dying. She continued looking away from him, but some of the testiness left her after a few moments.

"If I do bite it," she started. Her tone was softer, now. "You were--it was.." She trailed off meaninglessly. She had no idea what to say; she had not really considered what other people would do about it if she died. She was not sure that any of them would really care, but he was here. He cared a little bit, at least.

"I don't know how to finish that one," she admitted.

He set a hand on her shoulder. Reassuring, maybe, or at least at first, until he shook her lightly for emphasis as he spoke. "Just don't, instead. That should work, right?"

She raised an eyebrow at that, but she was at least looking at him, now. She smiled and gently nudged his hand off her shoulder with her hand. "I don't think it works that way."

She looked down at the ground for a moment. "Let's go beat the crap out of another of your fears," she said. "I can do that."

He paled. "What, like right now?"

"Like later!" She motioned back down the trail. "I'll have to get back to the camp kind of soon. Later in the week."

"Okay, later in the week." He sighed. "I've got to work my courage up, you know."

"Let me know what we'll do later, then, okay?" she asked. "You can e-mail me. Or call me. Calling works too."

"I haven't called anyone yet! It seems sort of like dropping by someone's house uninvited." Although that was a thing he did...

"Do people really do it whenever they feel like it?"

"Yes," she said, before she realized that was a stupid idea. "No. Not literally, like, if you call me in the middle of the night, I will be so mad at you. And not funny, throw stuff in your hair mad."

She grinned. "But otherwise, yeah. I might not pick up if I'm busy or left my phone behind." Or dead or hurt. He could make that connection for himself, though. "But leave a message, if I do."

"Okay, not in the middle of the night!" She'd issued the correction so quickly he wasn't even sure if he would have considered it. ...Maybe.

"Sounds simple enough."

"Great. So call sometime!" she said. "When you know where we're going. Or if you feel like talking."

She looked down the path. "Let's get walking, though," she said. "It's late and I need to get back. But I'll walk with you up to the point the path hits the road. It should be pretty safe from there."