Alexander Varista (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
socarnivorously) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
zenderael_mmo2012-07-16 01:13 pm
socarnivorously) wrote in zenderael_mmo2012-07-16 01:13 pm
Entry tags:
ALEX+RAVI; squabble
Who: Alexander & Ravindra
When: Wednesday, 3/30, evening → Thursday, 3/31, morning
Where: Stonecaster, Safta
Before/After: After Ravi visits Rayu.
Warnings: Creep, swearing
Talking to Victor helped a lot. Ravi's mood was better than it had been since he'd ended up in Stonecaster. He finally felt like the situation wasn't hopeless. He could go back to Bastan, he wasn't cut off from his old life and his old friends, and even better--his oldest friend still desired his company.
So when he returned to Alex's house after spending a couple hours with Victor, he was in visibly good spirits. Which is to say he didn't look like he was moping anymore as he opened the door and stepped inside. This was still Ravi; it was a subtle thing.
But the smell of smoke (unlike Alex, Victor let him smoke in the house) did little to mask the accompanying smell of Victor.
Alex was getting ready to leave, actually. Upstairs, in the study, which he was using as a makeshift bedroom (except he slept downstairs), he was buckling his gauntlets on, tightening them to a satisfactory fit. They, along with the rest of his armor, was more or less broken in now, but that didn't really matter. He'd be wearing something different when he went to go murder the Spenta.
That Ravi had been missing when he returned was a mystery, but he tried not to worry about it. Maybe Zach had spotted him on a smoke break, or maybe he actually went out for groceries... Except it was late, that didn't make sense, and if he had run into Zach, then he would probably run into Victor, too...
He tried not to worry about it. If he gave Ravi any more reason to pull away, that was Akhi going away with him.
He dropped the wooden mask in a cloth sack and slung it over his shoulder, then picked up his glaive before closing the study door behind him. He'd be using it not for practice but for show, as it would be odd to leave without a visible polearm on him (if Ravi would even notice.) His dual spears were tucked away on his person, shortened and safely hidden.
"New food in the ice box," he called as he trotted downstairs, "and this--" A pack of cigarettes in his palm, that he remembered to swipe from his desk before leaving. Alex was about to toss them at Ravi when Victor's scent, entangled with the scent of tobacco, hit his nose.
He should not have tried not to worry.
Ravi looked up at Alex as he appeared. He instinctively put a hand up to catch the cigarettes that Alex had cocked his arm back to throw, but paused when the throw didn't come and Alex cut himself off.
His expression became uncertain. "Ah...? Thank you..." (Not that impoliteness was what had created that reaction. He could tell that much.)
His eyes narrowed, and an ugly something twisted between his ribs. Was Ravi honestly so slow to not understand?
"What is it about him that you won't let go?" he asked, almost demanded, but he fought to keep his tone under control. It was like dealing with a rabbit, ready to spring at any moment. The best thing to do probably was to not ask at all, to lure it into a false sense of security, but Alex had to know. What was it about Victor?
His face fell with realization, his shoulders going tense. If there had been any doubt, Ravi's reaction would've erased it. He knew he'd been caught and there was a flicker of fear across his features at the idea of how Alex would react.
His instinct was to wall up, but on top of that was a desperate desire to protect himself, which he could only do by giving a convincing answer. The two fought each other for dominance until finally he forced himself to speak. "He's a friend. My first." There was desperation behind it, just a hint, as if begging Alex to let that be the right answer.
"He'd put a bullet through my head if he thought he could get away with it." There was bite to the tone, but not full-on anger.
Ravi folded his arms, his posture closed off, defensive. He glowered at Alex. "You wouldn't?" he shot back, accusing.
He returned the glare. "I've never meant to kill you."
"Isn't it my choice whether to forgive him?" Besides, Victor hadn't done that because he wanted to, but Ravi felt like it wasn't even worth arguing at this point. Alex was going to decide whatever he wanted, and there was nothing he could do about that.
He inhaled deeply, trying to steady himself, trying to remind himself that he was fighting an uphill battle that was not going to be won by brute force. It was an aggravating reminder.
"It is your choice," he said, voice hard as he tossed the cigarettes to Ravi. Surprisingly, they did not ricochet off his chest. "Like abandoning your sister. Joining the guard. Helping a traitor and his brother escape, putting your own position at risk. Those were all your choices to make. That doesn't make them good ones."
He caught the cigarettes reflexively. His face hardened as Alex listed off his perceived mistakes.
But Alex made a mistake himself: there was only one item on that list that Ravi regretted for its own sake. Instead of shaming him into realizing his was a life of terrible decisions, it just made him angry to know how much of his life Alex considered a mistake. "I won't hate him because you want me to." The way he said it was final. If there was going to be an argument about this, Ravi was walking out.
"Is nothing I do good enough for you?" he asked, facial expression twisting to one of honest perplexity as he canted his head to the side, like he was trying to parse the answer out for himself. "That you would fall to Victor the moment he returns?"
The feeling was mutual. Was what Ravi did not good enough, that Alex could never be satisfied that he'd stay?
"You're the one I'm fucking, aren't you?" he snapped, angry and frustrated. "I'm not going to leave you just because I'm friends with him."
The reaction was instant; Alex recoiled, blinking at Ravi as if he couldn't believe he'd just said that so easily. That was only once! cried his mind, And there was no fucking involved!
Oh jeez fuck, Akhi, why couldn't you have shown up a day earlier?
He leaned his glaive against the wall and dropped his head into his gloved palm, cheeks burning. The tip of his ears, too.
That wasn't a reaction he'd expected. It made him regret his words, if only out of secondhand embarrassment. He looked away, still annoyed but now it was fighting some manner of misgiving on his face. "Stop acting so jealous," he muttered. "Have some trust."
He walked away, into the kitchen. Not for anything in particular, but he couldn't walk up the stairs because Alex was in that direction, and he wanted to get himself out of the space Alex occupied. A drink made a good excuse if Alex decided to follow him. He went to the liquor cabinet.
He released a low groan, rubbing his temples, moving down to the bridge of his nose. There was still an ugliness in his chest, receded, but lingering, and a worry that prevailed despite Ravi's words. Was that the line that separated Alex from Victor? Physical attraction, sex?
Is what he needed to manipulate? Ugh, ugh, why. Why. Akhi why did you leave him!! Couldn't you have left a hint?! Anything?!
Pressure. The guards had been looking at him, had been implied in Victor's escape. Alex needed to pressure Ravi, but he couldn't think of a way that wouldn't backfire on him and send Ravi running in the other direction. Set him up, then? Did he have any intentions of returning to Bastan...?
He let out a sigh and grabbed his glaive. "I'll be back later," he announced, turning away from the stairs to the door, the opposite direction of the kitchen. "Take a bath. Please."
While Alex ran through his thoughts, Ravi poured himself that drink. He felt more like drinking the more he thought about Alex's reaction, his anger slowly filtering back to him the longer the silence lasted.
At the parting comment, he set the bottle down on the counter much harder than he intended to. "Fine," he shouted back. As if Alex could smell Victor on him.
(Maybe he'd realize later that that was exactly the problem.)
It was past one in the morning when Alex returned to the small house, thoroughly exhausted. There were ding marks on the blade of his spears from striking into the side of a rocky cliff with too much momentum; he would get those taken care of within the next day. It was vital that he be intimately familiar with his spears and his mask. Tomorrow, he would wear the armor he planned to wear then.
It was all coming together.
Not tonight, though. He left a trail of armor in his wake to the bathroom, for which he was very sorry when he stepped on a gauntlet on his way back to the living room (but not sorry enough to clean up.) Too tired and comfortable to walk upstairs, Alex fell face first into the couch with nothing but a towel around his waist. He was out instantly.
Ravi was an early riser. It went along with his guard shifts and had ingrained itself into his personality over the years. He usually woke at sunrise, or near it, and that morning was no different.
The first thing he noticed when he went downstairs was the armour strewn all over the floor, and the second thing was Alex mostly-naked on the couch. There was a twinge of annoyance in memory of last night's conversation that kept him from stopping to admire the form, instead leading him to start gathering up the armour, not careful about noise, to pile it beside the couch. He didn't care so much about tidying up as he did about making sure he didn't step on any of it by accident.
With that done, he went into the kitchen to make breakfast. He wasn't quiet about that, either. Normally he kept his noise down to avoid waking Alex but today he was so irritated with the jealousy and being told not to have friends Alex disapproved of that Ravi didn't care if the noise woke him up.
When the armor was piled next to the couch, Alex curled in on himself, brows furrowing. By the time Ravi was starting breakfast, Alex was already being tugged out of precious, delicious sleep. He sat up, blinking blearily at the entrance way across the room as a single-thought fought its way to be recognized through the fog of his sleepy mind.
Make Ravi un-mad.
Alex got to his feet, then bent down when he realized that he only had a towel and that towel had just fallen to the floor. He wrapped it around his waist and padded into the kitchen, not awake enough to feel Ravi's irritation, not even in as close a range as right behind him. He linked his hands around Ravi's waist and rested the side of his face against Ravi's hair.
"M'sorry." It was soft, a mumble. Alex was obviously not fully awake yet.
Ravi slowly stilled when Alex's arms slid around his waist. His irritation didn't vanish, but it faded, leaving behind a sort of resignation.
He'd never admit it, but he was actually quite fond of physical contact, provided it was the right person and it wasn't happening in public (people judged you!!). Something as simple as taking Ravi into his own personal space instantly defused much of the tension with Alex.
"It's fine," he said, his voice quiet. It wasn't fine, it still bothered him, but Alex had apologized and that was meaningful.
"Is it?" he half-asked, half-sighed. Even in the cottony static that was not-asleep-not-awake land, Alex knew it was never that easy with Ravi.
The slightest frown creased his brow as he lowered his hands to rest over Alex's. He had to know Ravi wouldn't answer directly or honestly.
"Why do you care so much?" he asked, an undercurrent of accusation in his voice. Since Ravi had shown up here, Alex barely even acted like he wanted him around. Why bother being so jealous over Victor?
"Mmm," he said, turning his head to nuzzle Ravi's hair. "M'scared you'll go back. I like you here."
His eyes lowered, his expression softened. But it wasn't a good thing, it was irritation trading out for something more morose. "It's hard to tell, sometimes." That was probably about as direct as Ravi was going to get.
Because his reasons were unsavory.
Instead of verbal assurance, Alex went for the physical variety. He tightened his arms around Ravi's torso, pushing him closer to meld against him, and dropped his head to trail light kisses from the side of his jaw to his collarbone.
It was more effective than anything verbal. Ravi sank against Alex, letting his eyes fall shut, his head tilting to allow Alex access to his neck. If he acted like this more often, there wouldn't be a problem. Ravi wouldn't have to worry that Alex didn't want him around, and Alex wouldn't have to worry about Ravi leaving him.
But he remembered, very suddenly, that kiss from Victor. His eyes opened, looking toward the ceiling, brow furrowed. Such a simple thing... It had felt so comfortable.
Ah, no, he couldn't be thinking about Victor while he was wrapped up in Alex's arms. That was exactly what Alex was worried about, wasn't it? He forced his thoughts away from that, back to the present.
Alex didn't want him to leave. "What would you do if I did go back?" he asked, his voice soft, his eyes still on the ceiling.
"Don't," he said suddenly, desperation entering his voice. "Please."
It made him feel guilty for raising the possibility, but the truth was...he did want to go back. His entire life was in Bastan. He didn't want to leave that behind. He couldn't.
"I'd come back to you," he said. There was no conviction in his voice, as if he was speaking of a distant possibility. "As often as you like."
Alex straightened, letting his arms fall away from Ravi. He was unconvinced. They were unconvinced. He had to convince him.
He grabbed Ravi by the shoulder and pulled back, forcing him to face Alex, then dipped down to claim his mouth.
Alex pulling away brought forth a moment of fear, that he was angry, that he'd leave. Ravi realized that he'd already made his decision and was only trying to convince Alex of it, and that moment told him that he needed to stop pressing it. He wasn't going to talk about it anymore, not until the siege ended and going back became a real possibility.
When Alex spun him around, that fear spiked as he fell back against the counter in an instinctive attempt to retreat, but from the outside it'd only look like he'd lost his balance. He started to say something, but it was swallowed by Alex's mouth. The fear dissolved into relief, most of it at least, and he closed his eyes again and kissed back.
Alex's behaviour was strange. Maybe he had realized how little he seemed to treat Ravi like he wanted him around. Maybe this was an attempt to make up for that. Maybe it would last...
If who was fucking who the strongest distinction Ravi made between Alex and Victor, then Alex was going to leave no room for misunderstanding. If Victor knew that Alex was here, then he would encourage Ravi to leave. Perhaps he already had. Perhaps Ravi had figured it out for himself.
Perhaps Alex was focusing on the wrong point. Instead of trying to prevent Ravi from going anywhere, he should instead focus on keeping Ravi on a leash, that no matter where he might go, he'd still be willing, wanting, to come to Alex when called.
Twenty years ago, he would have grimaced at this line of thinking.
Now, breaking the kiss, Alex looked down at Ravi in search of approval, but it was to Akhi that he apologized.
That tactic would be more effective in the long run. Ravi was a stubborn person. The harder Alex tried to hold onto him, the less he'd want to stay. The element of freedom would keep him coming back of his own volition. As long as he didn't feel trapped, he'd trap himself.
When Alex broke the kiss, Ravi breathed deeply and let it out slowly, looking up at him. His expression was remorseful, with a dash of guilt. Perhaps not quite the approval Alex sought, but it was clear, at least, that Ravi's anger was quelled.
He turned his eyes down, away. Forced himself not to linger on Alex's chiseled form. "Do you want something?" he asked, a change of subject to get away from the topic of leaving. "Breakfast, I mean."
For now, that was good enough. He had achieved something.
Pleased, Alex cupped Ravi's cheek in hand and dipped down for another kiss. It was softer than the first, faint, as if he almost wasn't kissing him at all.
"Sure," he said, breath on Ravi's lips. Then he dropped his hand and lifted his head, and the sleepy smile on his lips curved into something a little more mischievous. "Or do you want something?"
"Later," he said, echoing the smile with a more nervous smile of his own as he turned back to the counter and the food he'd been preparing before Alex interrupted.
This change in Alex's behaviour was nice. Confusing, but nice. Maybe what Ravi had said the night before really had gotten through to him. If he stopped yelling about Victor and kept acting like this, Ravi could be content with that.
Alex left him to it, dropping into a chair at the kitchen table. His stomach did appreciate the offer of food, but he was still tired. He folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them, drifting back to sleep.
When: Wednesday, 3/30, evening → Thursday, 3/31, morning
Where: Stonecaster, Safta
Before/After: After Ravi visits Rayu.
Warnings: Creep, swearing
Talking to Victor helped a lot. Ravi's mood was better than it had been since he'd ended up in Stonecaster. He finally felt like the situation wasn't hopeless. He could go back to Bastan, he wasn't cut off from his old life and his old friends, and even better--his oldest friend still desired his company.
So when he returned to Alex's house after spending a couple hours with Victor, he was in visibly good spirits. Which is to say he didn't look like he was moping anymore as he opened the door and stepped inside. This was still Ravi; it was a subtle thing.
But the smell of smoke (unlike Alex, Victor let him smoke in the house) did little to mask the accompanying smell of Victor.
Alex was getting ready to leave, actually. Upstairs, in the study, which he was using as a makeshift bedroom (except he slept downstairs), he was buckling his gauntlets on, tightening them to a satisfactory fit. They, along with the rest of his armor, was more or less broken in now, but that didn't really matter. He'd be wearing something different when he went to go murder the Spenta.
That Ravi had been missing when he returned was a mystery, but he tried not to worry about it. Maybe Zach had spotted him on a smoke break, or maybe he actually went out for groceries... Except it was late, that didn't make sense, and if he had run into Zach, then he would probably run into Victor, too...
He tried not to worry about it. If he gave Ravi any more reason to pull away, that was Akhi going away with him.
He dropped the wooden mask in a cloth sack and slung it over his shoulder, then picked up his glaive before closing the study door behind him. He'd be using it not for practice but for show, as it would be odd to leave without a visible polearm on him (if Ravi would even notice.) His dual spears were tucked away on his person, shortened and safely hidden.
"New food in the ice box," he called as he trotted downstairs, "and this--" A pack of cigarettes in his palm, that he remembered to swipe from his desk before leaving. Alex was about to toss them at Ravi when Victor's scent, entangled with the scent of tobacco, hit his nose.
He should not have tried not to worry.
Ravi looked up at Alex as he appeared. He instinctively put a hand up to catch the cigarettes that Alex had cocked his arm back to throw, but paused when the throw didn't come and Alex cut himself off.
His expression became uncertain. "Ah...? Thank you..." (Not that impoliteness was what had created that reaction. He could tell that much.)
His eyes narrowed, and an ugly something twisted between his ribs. Was Ravi honestly so slow to not understand?
"What is it about him that you won't let go?" he asked, almost demanded, but he fought to keep his tone under control. It was like dealing with a rabbit, ready to spring at any moment. The best thing to do probably was to not ask at all, to lure it into a false sense of security, but Alex had to know. What was it about Victor?
His face fell with realization, his shoulders going tense. If there had been any doubt, Ravi's reaction would've erased it. He knew he'd been caught and there was a flicker of fear across his features at the idea of how Alex would react.
His instinct was to wall up, but on top of that was a desperate desire to protect himself, which he could only do by giving a convincing answer. The two fought each other for dominance until finally he forced himself to speak. "He's a friend. My first." There was desperation behind it, just a hint, as if begging Alex to let that be the right answer.
"He'd put a bullet through my head if he thought he could get away with it." There was bite to the tone, but not full-on anger.
Ravi folded his arms, his posture closed off, defensive. He glowered at Alex. "You wouldn't?" he shot back, accusing.
He returned the glare. "I've never meant to kill you."
"Isn't it my choice whether to forgive him?" Besides, Victor hadn't done that because he wanted to, but Ravi felt like it wasn't even worth arguing at this point. Alex was going to decide whatever he wanted, and there was nothing he could do about that.
He inhaled deeply, trying to steady himself, trying to remind himself that he was fighting an uphill battle that was not going to be won by brute force. It was an aggravating reminder.
"It is your choice," he said, voice hard as he tossed the cigarettes to Ravi. Surprisingly, they did not ricochet off his chest. "Like abandoning your sister. Joining the guard. Helping a traitor and his brother escape, putting your own position at risk. Those were all your choices to make. That doesn't make them good ones."
He caught the cigarettes reflexively. His face hardened as Alex listed off his perceived mistakes.
But Alex made a mistake himself: there was only one item on that list that Ravi regretted for its own sake. Instead of shaming him into realizing his was a life of terrible decisions, it just made him angry to know how much of his life Alex considered a mistake. "I won't hate him because you want me to." The way he said it was final. If there was going to be an argument about this, Ravi was walking out.
"Is nothing I do good enough for you?" he asked, facial expression twisting to one of honest perplexity as he canted his head to the side, like he was trying to parse the answer out for himself. "That you would fall to Victor the moment he returns?"
The feeling was mutual. Was what Ravi did not good enough, that Alex could never be satisfied that he'd stay?
"You're the one I'm fucking, aren't you?" he snapped, angry and frustrated. "I'm not going to leave you just because I'm friends with him."
The reaction was instant; Alex recoiled, blinking at Ravi as if he couldn't believe he'd just said that so easily. That was only once! cried his mind, And there was no fucking involved!
Oh jeez fuck, Akhi, why couldn't you have shown up a day earlier?
He leaned his glaive against the wall and dropped his head into his gloved palm, cheeks burning. The tip of his ears, too.
That wasn't a reaction he'd expected. It made him regret his words, if only out of secondhand embarrassment. He looked away, still annoyed but now it was fighting some manner of misgiving on his face. "Stop acting so jealous," he muttered. "Have some trust."
He walked away, into the kitchen. Not for anything in particular, but he couldn't walk up the stairs because Alex was in that direction, and he wanted to get himself out of the space Alex occupied. A drink made a good excuse if Alex decided to follow him. He went to the liquor cabinet.
He released a low groan, rubbing his temples, moving down to the bridge of his nose. There was still an ugliness in his chest, receded, but lingering, and a worry that prevailed despite Ravi's words. Was that the line that separated Alex from Victor? Physical attraction, sex?
Is what he needed to manipulate? Ugh, ugh, why. Why. Akhi why did you leave him!! Couldn't you have left a hint?! Anything?!
Pressure. The guards had been looking at him, had been implied in Victor's escape. Alex needed to pressure Ravi, but he couldn't think of a way that wouldn't backfire on him and send Ravi running in the other direction. Set him up, then? Did he have any intentions of returning to Bastan...?
He let out a sigh and grabbed his glaive. "I'll be back later," he announced, turning away from the stairs to the door, the opposite direction of the kitchen. "Take a bath. Please."
While Alex ran through his thoughts, Ravi poured himself that drink. He felt more like drinking the more he thought about Alex's reaction, his anger slowly filtering back to him the longer the silence lasted.
At the parting comment, he set the bottle down on the counter much harder than he intended to. "Fine," he shouted back. As if Alex could smell Victor on him.
(Maybe he'd realize later that that was exactly the problem.)
It was past one in the morning when Alex returned to the small house, thoroughly exhausted. There were ding marks on the blade of his spears from striking into the side of a rocky cliff with too much momentum; he would get those taken care of within the next day. It was vital that he be intimately familiar with his spears and his mask. Tomorrow, he would wear the armor he planned to wear then.
It was all coming together.
Not tonight, though. He left a trail of armor in his wake to the bathroom, for which he was very sorry when he stepped on a gauntlet on his way back to the living room (but not sorry enough to clean up.) Too tired and comfortable to walk upstairs, Alex fell face first into the couch with nothing but a towel around his waist. He was out instantly.
Ravi was an early riser. It went along with his guard shifts and had ingrained itself into his personality over the years. He usually woke at sunrise, or near it, and that morning was no different.
The first thing he noticed when he went downstairs was the armour strewn all over the floor, and the second thing was Alex mostly-naked on the couch. There was a twinge of annoyance in memory of last night's conversation that kept him from stopping to admire the form, instead leading him to start gathering up the armour, not careful about noise, to pile it beside the couch. He didn't care so much about tidying up as he did about making sure he didn't step on any of it by accident.
With that done, he went into the kitchen to make breakfast. He wasn't quiet about that, either. Normally he kept his noise down to avoid waking Alex but today he was so irritated with the jealousy and being told not to have friends Alex disapproved of that Ravi didn't care if the noise woke him up.
When the armor was piled next to the couch, Alex curled in on himself, brows furrowing. By the time Ravi was starting breakfast, Alex was already being tugged out of precious, delicious sleep. He sat up, blinking blearily at the entrance way across the room as a single-thought fought its way to be recognized through the fog of his sleepy mind.
Make Ravi un-mad.
Alex got to his feet, then bent down when he realized that he only had a towel and that towel had just fallen to the floor. He wrapped it around his waist and padded into the kitchen, not awake enough to feel Ravi's irritation, not even in as close a range as right behind him. He linked his hands around Ravi's waist and rested the side of his face against Ravi's hair.
"M'sorry." It was soft, a mumble. Alex was obviously not fully awake yet.
Ravi slowly stilled when Alex's arms slid around his waist. His irritation didn't vanish, but it faded, leaving behind a sort of resignation.
He'd never admit it, but he was actually quite fond of physical contact, provided it was the right person and it wasn't happening in public (people judged you!!). Something as simple as taking Ravi into his own personal space instantly defused much of the tension with Alex.
"It's fine," he said, his voice quiet. It wasn't fine, it still bothered him, but Alex had apologized and that was meaningful.
"Is it?" he half-asked, half-sighed. Even in the cottony static that was not-asleep-not-awake land, Alex knew it was never that easy with Ravi.
The slightest frown creased his brow as he lowered his hands to rest over Alex's. He had to know Ravi wouldn't answer directly or honestly.
"Why do you care so much?" he asked, an undercurrent of accusation in his voice. Since Ravi had shown up here, Alex barely even acted like he wanted him around. Why bother being so jealous over Victor?
"Mmm," he said, turning his head to nuzzle Ravi's hair. "M'scared you'll go back. I like you here."
His eyes lowered, his expression softened. But it wasn't a good thing, it was irritation trading out for something more morose. "It's hard to tell, sometimes." That was probably about as direct as Ravi was going to get.
Because his reasons were unsavory.
Instead of verbal assurance, Alex went for the physical variety. He tightened his arms around Ravi's torso, pushing him closer to meld against him, and dropped his head to trail light kisses from the side of his jaw to his collarbone.
It was more effective than anything verbal. Ravi sank against Alex, letting his eyes fall shut, his head tilting to allow Alex access to his neck. If he acted like this more often, there wouldn't be a problem. Ravi wouldn't have to worry that Alex didn't want him around, and Alex wouldn't have to worry about Ravi leaving him.
But he remembered, very suddenly, that kiss from Victor. His eyes opened, looking toward the ceiling, brow furrowed. Such a simple thing... It had felt so comfortable.
Ah, no, he couldn't be thinking about Victor while he was wrapped up in Alex's arms. That was exactly what Alex was worried about, wasn't it? He forced his thoughts away from that, back to the present.
Alex didn't want him to leave. "What would you do if I did go back?" he asked, his voice soft, his eyes still on the ceiling.
"Don't," he said suddenly, desperation entering his voice. "Please."
It made him feel guilty for raising the possibility, but the truth was...he did want to go back. His entire life was in Bastan. He didn't want to leave that behind. He couldn't.
"I'd come back to you," he said. There was no conviction in his voice, as if he was speaking of a distant possibility. "As often as you like."
Alex straightened, letting his arms fall away from Ravi. He was unconvinced. They were unconvinced. He had to convince him.
He grabbed Ravi by the shoulder and pulled back, forcing him to face Alex, then dipped down to claim his mouth.
Alex pulling away brought forth a moment of fear, that he was angry, that he'd leave. Ravi realized that he'd already made his decision and was only trying to convince Alex of it, and that moment told him that he needed to stop pressing it. He wasn't going to talk about it anymore, not until the siege ended and going back became a real possibility.
When Alex spun him around, that fear spiked as he fell back against the counter in an instinctive attempt to retreat, but from the outside it'd only look like he'd lost his balance. He started to say something, but it was swallowed by Alex's mouth. The fear dissolved into relief, most of it at least, and he closed his eyes again and kissed back.
Alex's behaviour was strange. Maybe he had realized how little he seemed to treat Ravi like he wanted him around. Maybe this was an attempt to make up for that. Maybe it would last...
If who was fucking who the strongest distinction Ravi made between Alex and Victor, then Alex was going to leave no room for misunderstanding. If Victor knew that Alex was here, then he would encourage Ravi to leave. Perhaps he already had. Perhaps Ravi had figured it out for himself.
Perhaps Alex was focusing on the wrong point. Instead of trying to prevent Ravi from going anywhere, he should instead focus on keeping Ravi on a leash, that no matter where he might go, he'd still be willing, wanting, to come to Alex when called.
Twenty years ago, he would have grimaced at this line of thinking.
Now, breaking the kiss, Alex looked down at Ravi in search of approval, but it was to Akhi that he apologized.
That tactic would be more effective in the long run. Ravi was a stubborn person. The harder Alex tried to hold onto him, the less he'd want to stay. The element of freedom would keep him coming back of his own volition. As long as he didn't feel trapped, he'd trap himself.
When Alex broke the kiss, Ravi breathed deeply and let it out slowly, looking up at him. His expression was remorseful, with a dash of guilt. Perhaps not quite the approval Alex sought, but it was clear, at least, that Ravi's anger was quelled.
He turned his eyes down, away. Forced himself not to linger on Alex's chiseled form. "Do you want something?" he asked, a change of subject to get away from the topic of leaving. "Breakfast, I mean."
For now, that was good enough. He had achieved something.
Pleased, Alex cupped Ravi's cheek in hand and dipped down for another kiss. It was softer than the first, faint, as if he almost wasn't kissing him at all.
"Sure," he said, breath on Ravi's lips. Then he dropped his hand and lifted his head, and the sleepy smile on his lips curved into something a little more mischievous. "Or do you want something?"
"Later," he said, echoing the smile with a more nervous smile of his own as he turned back to the counter and the food he'd been preparing before Alex interrupted.
This change in Alex's behaviour was nice. Confusing, but nice. Maybe what Ravi had said the night before really had gotten through to him. If he stopped yelling about Victor and kept acting like this, Ravi could be content with that.
Alex left him to it, dropping into a chair at the kitchen table. His stomach did appreciate the offer of food, but he was still tired. He folded his arms on the table and rested his head on them, drifting back to sleep.